


Into The Cold, Colder Than My Frozen Blood

by the_winter_solstice



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-05-13
Packaged: 2018-06-08 04:29:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6839098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_winter_solstice/pseuds/the_winter_solstice





	Into The Cold, Colder Than My Frozen Blood

**He's gone, in his sleep**

 

It’s two o'clock in the morning when his phone rings. A notice rather than an emergency call.

Only soon enough to see Bucky for the one last time before they'd bury him.

He’s given 5 minutes, alone with Bucky.

 

**Sorry.**

That’s the first thing he wants to say, but shame seals his lips tightly.

 

**I can't lose you.**

That’s another thing he’s about to tell Bucky. But he never gets the chance.

 

**Don't...don't leave me.**

It’s all too late.

 

Then he just sits there next to Bucky, since that’s the only thing he could do.

 

Bucky’s still in that white tank-top, same as the day he was frozen, again.

Purely white.

The cloth around heart area stained by dried blood, as a rose bloomed there.

He's gone, in his sleep.

 

He’s sitting next to him, as that’s the only he could do.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**See you**

 

“So now you believe that I care, don’t you?”

Steve must admit that Bucky looks nice in white. He always looks nice. But now it’s different — the clarity and relaxation in the eyes finally make Bucky a whole, real person rather than just an empty personality. 

He’s finally clear, in every way. He just lost his arm — again, which even perfects him.

“Yeah, I do.” Bucky smiles, “I know that you care about me, otherwise you wouldn’t have done all these for me. You always have faith in me, trusting in that there’s still a good part left in me…”

“Not **A** good part, Buck,” Steve corrects him, “You **are** good in every bit, for me at least.”

“You…punk.” Bucky turns his head to the left, he just couldn’t keep eye contacting with Steve as if Steve’s staring might have burnt him.

Silence lasts for a couple of seconds until Steve breaks it.

“Sorry, Buck, I know it might be rude but I really get to ask you, will you keep following me? Would you?”

“Define ‘following’. I guess you mean fighting with you against HYDRA or whichever the evil side, having your back, shooting at anyone trying to hurt our men. Yes, of course I’d love to say ‘Yes’. But…” Bucky’s head turns left again, eyes pointing at the stump of his metal arm, “See, how can I even hold a machine gun with only one hand? Admit that, Steve, you’re no longer the little guy that never knew how to run away from a fight, and **Captain**   **America** doesn't need my following any more, either.”

“But **Steve Rogers** always does.” Steve answers without hesitation as that’s the thing standing at the top of his mind, “Buck, I don’t need you to fight, shot or do anything that’s needed on the battle field. All I ask of you is just to …  **be there** , for me, please.”

“So you’re asking me to be your burden.”

“I’m asking you to be the one that I’m fighting for, not fighting with!”

“…You’re a good guy, Steve, you deserve much better.”

“I deserve you.”

“…” Bucky bites his bottom lip unconsciously before his frown turns into a smile, “then be it, soldier.”

 

**********

 

It’s not the first time that he’s gotta get frozen, not seemingly to be the last time, either.

But this time, he follows nobody else’s choice but his own.

He stands from the bed, slowly walks to the cabin, still having problem balancing his body without that heavy piece of metal. 

He knows that Steve is standing right behind him, eyes gazing at his back. He knows that he couldn’t turn back to Steve. Once he did, everything would be doomed — he’s never get to have the gut leaving Steve, they’ll fall for each other as they’ve done their whole life, that’s wonderful but that’s gonna ruin Steve, and that’s not supposed to happen.

The glass door of the cabin opens, awaits its new resident.

 

 

“Jerk!” Steve murmurs as Bucky walks in.

 

**Why doing all these to me, why saved me then left me, why let me find you then lose you again?**

 

“You know that this ain’t dividing us.” Bucky holds out a finger to point at Steve’s chest, “If you keep me deep down here, and I’ll be always following you, no matter you’re that little guy from Brooklyn or Captain.”

Steve falls speechless as holding back the tears has already taken away all his strength.

“Let me tell you a secret, Steve, I won’t fall totally unconscious when frozen, so I can have dreams when I’m lying here. Guess I’m gotta dream about you.”

Steve’s eyes widely open, “What if you feel bad and you need someone?”

“I told you, I’m gotta dream about you. How can I feel bad when I’m having you in my dreams?”

Then the cabin door closes as Steve’s trying to say something.

 

“See you.”

That’s the last thing Bucky says before he closes his eyes. He mouths this since the cabin cuts off all the sounds.

**See you. In my dreams, my mind’s tiniest corners, or even in another life.**

 

White-colored fog which brings Bucky to sleep fills the cabin. The fog covers everything — Bucky’s innocent sleeping face, his flesh, his broken metal, his mind. The fog paints everything white.

As clear and limpid as Bucky’s heart, nothing but purely white.

 

“See you.”

Steve mouths this, too, when they take away the cabin.

**I’ll come back to you, in one day, or another, in one way, or another.**

 

Blade makes you bleed, honey seals the wound while doubles the pain. You are the blade at my skull, my neck, my chest, and the honey flows in my blood towards my heart, my trunk, my extremities.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**Into The Cold**

 

"Do me a favor, Steve, do me a favor," he says, "let me give you a hug."

 

He has been sleeping, waking, fighting, killing for most his life. He was cursed, tortured, beaten, frozen. He went hungry, thirsty, angry, black and blue. He did what he was told to do, but he's never been rewarded with what he wished for.

He's been wishing for one thing.

**Peace.**

Peace of the whole world, peace within himself.

Now that he's kept in peace -- Steve finally has brought him to. While, he realizes that, he still wants one more thing.

**Touch.**

He's never lacked touch. Soldiers took him out from the cold, they touched him by the arms and the back, but usually then they tossed him into another piece of whatever wired metal -- to clear out his mind, make up space for orders, force him to obey. He touched his missions by the neck or spine, but usually then he broke them.

So he never lacked touch, while he never stopped longing for **touch**.

 

He needs this. Gosh, he needs this so bad, and he doesn't care what price he's gonna pay for this.

 

"So do me a favor, Steve, let me give you a hug. I mean, half a hug, I have only one arm to use now. Anyway, let me give you a hug. Since we're not gonna meet each other for quite a Heck while." He says, calm as he looks, trembling all within like Hell.

Steve frowns before he replies, "No."

To be honest, that's a bit unexpected to Bucky.

And the more unexpected is, Steve then says, "You're not gonna give me a hug 'cause I'm gonna give you one. And there's no way you're not meeting me, either. Don't even think about it, Bucky, I dare you."

 

Steve first touches Bucky's hair. How wonderful, those slightly curly dark brown hair seem never change, actually, they don't.

"I've never had my hair cut since 1944. You know, hair don't grow when you're in the ice, and I didn't get a lot chances thawing, so I never worried about my hair getting too long." Bucky leads Steve's fingers to the tips of his hair, "These are still the same hair when you saved me from the Skull's at 1944."

"Still the same hair when I let you fall off that damn train." Steve almost cries when he realizes this.

"That's not true, Steve, you tried your best, I just didn't get lucky."

"Next time when we meet, I'm gonna cut you hair."

"Sounds like a horrible idea. You've always got shitty taste on styles."

"Now you must shut up!" Steve pretends to be offended then smiles, "and come here."

Steve's arm are now way stronger than back in 1943, but as warm and firm as that time.

 

**That's enough, now that's all enough.**

Bucky says to himself.

**Enough to hold on in whatever cold, loneliness, helplessness, or desperation.**

 

**\-----------------------------------------------------------------**

 

**As Time Reverses**

 

He sits right next to him, before he remembers there’s one thing that he could do.

“Let me do this for you, Buck.” Steve lowers his voice, eyes focusing on Bucky’s calm face,”I’ve made my promise, remember?” 

He’s pretty sure that what he’s gonna do is more for himself rather than for Bucky.

Then he slowly picks up a glass crack of the broken cabin door, holds out that towards Bucky, gently cuts off a lock of Bucky’s hair.

“I said, next time when we meet, I’m gonna cut your hair.”

But it’s all too late.

Steve packs up the hair in the pocket of his shirt, so close to his heart.

**Sorry.**

**I can’t lose you.**

**Don’t leave me.**

But it’s all too late.

 


End file.
